Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
