There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
