At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
