im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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