end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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