ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
pray to the hookup gods
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
