so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
