I just cut my nipple shaving
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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