best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
