There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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