you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
