I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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