We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
