I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
