Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
