Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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