sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
