I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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