bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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