i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
