i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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