New invention idea: vibrating tampons
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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