remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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