someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
