she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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