I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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