I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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