My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
