I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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