i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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