my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
