Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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