i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
