I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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