Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
