I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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