i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
