those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
