Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I smell like Dick and happiness
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
