i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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