You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
