You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
