Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
