We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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