to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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