Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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