I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
