I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
