Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
