She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
