god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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