her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
